The straw that broke the camel's back was this:

The local Christian station that I really enjoy listening to, especially with my sponge-like boys hearing every little thing, even when you think they're not listening, has been running a 1 to 2-minute spot about how there's a current movement in psychiatry/psychology away from acknowledging fact in favor of only acknowledging feeling, specifically in the area of marital conflict resolution. The supposed idea is that to introduce any type of fact into an argument is to invalidate the other spouse's feelings, so in effect this makes the facts irrelevant. The radio announcer goes on to say that the Bible tells us to test disputes by using one or two witnesses, 'in other words 'facts'," to come to a resolution. The claim made here is that feelings are wrong and facts are the Christian way to resolve disputes.

::sigh::

Before  you read further, I should tell you that I think this will have to be more than one post, so consider this the first in a series, and I can't promise the series will be written quickly. But I will finish, which means I must start.

In BSF this week, we read 1 Peter 1 & 2. One of the study questions asked us to look at verse 23 of chapter one and then explain in our own words what it means to be born again. The very next question told us to share how this process has occurred in our own lives. I was so glad they asked. I'll share with you what I wrote:
"At the age of fourteen, my mother, brother, and I joined a church after years of visiting different ones. I had been in a dark and sad, lonely place until that day, when I felt the Holy Spirit wash over and indwell me, and I was changed."

That's how salvation happened for me, folks. He just changed me. I was not the same person on the inside after that. I've never gone back to that dark place because of His grace and mercy, which began working in my life in the realest, most intangible way that day in 1996. I understand that for others salvation is a different experience -  more of a conscious turning from one mindset to another in ultimate surrender to who He is. But for me, years passed - maybe until college - before I could confidently state that I was saved that day, because it happened in such an inexplicable way. I remember the rush of exhilaration I felt and the tears I cried on my mother's lap because I felt so overwhelmed by what was happening. But I didn't know what to call it until I was able to look back at my pre-adolescent versus my adolescent years, see the difference, and boldly accept what He did in me that day.

The point I am making is that salvation was a feeling for me before it was a rational doctrinal principle I could stand on. This doesn't make it any less real or significant. It's just the way it happened for me. With that said, I'll save more of my thoughts on faith vs. feeling and why I think it's a lose-lose battle in later posts. Til then, here are some verses to chew on. Perhaps you can add to them?

• Proverbs 3:5-6
• Matthew 18:16 (I think this may be the verse the radio announcer was referring to.)
• Romans 8:26
• 1 Corinthians 3:13
• John 11:35
• Jeremiah 17:9
• 1 John 3:16
• 1 Peter 1:22
• 1 Peter 4:8
• Psalm 37:4

Before I leave you entirely, I do want to make it clear that I don't think feelings should rule our lives and that we should let them run rampant and do whatever they dern well please, but there is a middle ground between being controlled by feelings and being controlled by reason. Is it so crazy that the Lord Himself should be given control even over our emotions as we exercise the self-control to which we have access through His holy Spirit, and as a result of our submission of our entire lives to Him? To me, that's not ceasing to feel or acknowledge feeling; it's just letting Him have my feelings along with everything else.

I haven't spent

much time today in somber, reflective thought like a good Episcopalian probably should. I have thanked God for His sacrifice and spent quality time with my family, enjoying Andrew's day off instead of cleaning, scrubbing, painting, and laundering it away. And somehow I think that still counts.

I've read most of one of Lauren Winner's books - Girl Meets God - at the suggestion of our pastor and friend, who has read and was impressed by Mudhouse Sabbath. A couple of years ago, I got this serious case of Jewish-people-envy. I felt like there must be so much more to the Bible, particularly the Old Testament, than Protestants such as myself could ever hope to grasp without viewing Scripture through the lens of Judaism. I was sharing my thoughts when Jim Watson introduced me to Ms. Winner's righting. And it was like-at-first-sentence. So when Tamryn linked me to a post on a blog she reads, I was pleasantly surprised to find it was a book review of a new book by Winner.

If I'm being honest - and why should I be? I mean, they don't call me Honest Q for nothin' - I took my time reading this brief post(and have yet to finish Winner's book as well), and I've purposely not spent much time reading Rachel Evans's blog because it's almost too much for me to hope for, that someone else asks the hard questions and doesn't always find the easy, pat answers sufficient, that there's a kindred out there who shares her feelings and doubts freely, who wants to know God deeply and not just settle for the quick answers and the commonly held interpretations of Scripture. It seems so rare to come across such a fellow deep thinker and Christian in life, that I stop just short of believing it's possible to connect with such a someone across the interwebs, in such a deep and personal way.

In related news, I revealed to Andrew this week that I've figured out I'm a bit like a turtle - hard protective shell, likely to withdraw into it at the first sign of trouble, a slow but deliberate mover, unlikely to bite or hurt others unless provoked but equally as unlikely to let my true and unprotected self hang out there for too long before withdrawing to make sure I remain protected. (I even sleep like a turtle, with the covers almost completely over my head...)

I've been trying to process a lot lately, trying to reconcile my sometimes-doubt with my ever-present faith in a God who's bigger than I can ever understand. I think Winner addresses some of the same issues in her newest book, linked above. And if I may leave you with a parting, Easter-tide thought: I often struggle with the idea of God's justice, trying to reconcile the wrath and anger of God in the OT as opposed to the grace and love given in the NT, and the thought occurred to me one day that if I cannot understand the gift of God's grace and sacrifice, how can I hope to understand His justice?

Just a thought. Happy Easter, peeps.

I probably

shouldn't have left you hanging so long with that last one. It was rather heavy, wasn't it?

My bad.

I did attend Keri's funeral, and the pastor of NBBC spoke about the healing Jesus did at what was essentially a funeral, since Lazarus died before Jesus arrived to heal him. The thing I never caught about that story that the pastor pointed out was that Jesus wept with Lazarus's family - even with the full knowledge that He would heal Lazarus, and that not only would Lazarus have eternal life after the resurrection of all the dead but that he would live again on this earth after Jesus brought him back to life. It was just the message I needed to hear, and was a stark contrast to the typical celebratory Christian homegoing service. Though much mention was made of Keri's life here on Earth as well as her current rejoicing in the presence of Christ Himself, the appropriateness of grief at her passing was given a place as well - rather than just a passing mention.

Last week, I joined BFFJ in Dallas for her - ahem - 20-10th birthday, a session during which we each got a mockingjay tattoo, and a viewing of the just-released Hunger Games movie. (All of which were awesome, btw)

Since coming back from that weekend - which included both fun and work - I've had lots of balls in the air to juggle, and I may or may not have had a meltdown during an inappropriate time last week. With that in mind, I'd like to share with you some of the phrases I use when I need to give myself a pep talk. I find repeating each of these phrases in my mind is helpful when I start to feel overwhelmed.

• Be quick to listen and slow to speak. (My cousin Candace reminded me of this just the other day - post meltdown. I could have used this advice beforehand, but I should appreciate it more now that I have a bad experience in my rearview.)
• My children are a joy and privilege to raise, not a burden to be borne. (During the long days and weeks when their behavior is off for whatever reason, potty accidents are more numerous than potty successes, and naptimes seem to be silly things I once dreamed of rather than actually happened, I have to tell myself these words. And take a deep breath. And hug my children instead of yelling at them. And the truth is that so many women wish they could have children and cannot, and that even those who had children wish they had healthy ones, and even still others wish their children were half as well-behaved as mine sometimes are. It's all about perspective. And this particular phrase helps me to change out of my pity party pants and into my big girl pants.)
• Freedom, beauty, truth, and love (What can I say? I may have learned this grouping of words from the Moulin Rouge , but when I think of this phrase, and the powerful symbolism of the mockingjay, I can't help but remember what it means when Paul says that it is for freedom Christ set us free.)

Insomnia

My husband just poked his head out of our bedroom door to inform me I'm going to be wasted tomorrow. He's right. I've stayed up way later than I should. But I know the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I have to attend the funeral of a mom not much older than me who died last week.

And I don't want to accept the reality of that fact. So I've stayed awake, trying to will her impending memorial service away, trying to remember more of her from the two or three conversations we ever had. I think we would have been good friends, but her health was poor enough that I didn't see much of her during our Mothers of Preschoolers meetings. I met her mother before I met her, and we chatted about her daughter during our Bible study times - Beth Moore studies tend to do this to women: make them examine their relationships at length.

I feel honestly like I have no right to feel any grief over her unexpected passing, but it cuts me to the quick to think that her baby - similar in age to Rhys - may not be able to remember much of her when she grows up. One of my greatest fears is that I will die before my babies reach an age that will ensure they remember me as their mother - not from pictures or reminders, but from their own hearts and minds. What a sobering reminder of my mortality that this mom is now gone physically from her children's lives. I've been thinking about her all day, and I take some comfort in knowing that she poured as much love as she could into her children - and that check will not come back void.

Dear JCPenney and Hulu,

JCP, I will address you first. You think that your "fair and square" ad campaign is fantastic enough to hire Ellen Degeneres to tout it. But who did you pay to come up with this? I'd like to have a chat with him or her. Because it sucks. On what planet does it make sense to stop having coupons in order to draw customers in? Not mine. I get that simple is better and that less is more. But when it comes to money, more people these days are figuring out that less is less. This means coupons and doorbusters are a help, not a hindrance. Ellen is cute and funny, but I'd rather have coupons.

Hulu, I don't even know what to do with you. You know I was incredulous a couple years ago when I heard the rumors that you would soon begin charging people to watch TV online (the nerve!), but by the time it happened, I was only a little shocked. I guess by then I had grown used to the idea. But now you've struck a low blow: offering an app on my Wii for the same price as Netflix, so I can miss Glee and still watch it the next day on my big screen TV instead of on my little laptop? Damn you, Hulu. I just might cave.