I feel that I should preface this blog entry by saying this: I am not a pessimist and I do not absolutely hate being at LeTourneau. I truly believe that R.G. had a wonderful vision to increase God's kingdom by founding this institution and training Christian techies to do His work. That said, I will now begin to tell you the thoughts in my head.

I have been back on this campus for, like, two days, and I already feel like I need to leave just so I can breathe. I feel really out of place here sometimes. I know that I stand out, but there are plenty other people here who stand out and fit in. I do not feel like I am one of those people. It's not that I just have this yearning to be accepted (not consciously, anyway). I just want to not feel restless and inadequate and too overwhelmed to feel like I have time to allow myself to feel overwhelmed. There's no grand sweeping drama overtaking any one area of my life right now, but lots of minidramas that are bound to climax all at once. I can feel it coming, and I know that God will get me through it. He always does. Yet I play these games with my mind and imagine all the possible ways this year can end soooo differently than it began and it scares me. A lot. I am literally scared tearless. I have not been given the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. I know this. Really, I do.

I suppose that, at the end of a hard day, I want to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I really do have an entire community of people supporting me. I want to feel like I live at the school in all the pretty, smiley, glossy brochures. Everyone loves. Everyone accepts. Everyone helps. Everyone prays. Everyone tries really hard to help each other make it through.

But that place does not seem to be the place in which I live.

The end.

Argh.