Last year, I struggled greatly with the idea of leaving teaching. After a couple of months of praying and wrestling with myself and talking to my husband, I finally understood that what God was telling me was not to be afraid. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Ti 1:7) So the next question to ask myself was what I was so afraid of. I feared leaving Gilmer and disappointing the friends I'd made, not seeing my students grow and mature, and not having a salary (as quitting would make the Duncalfe household completely salary-less since Andrew- ahem, Dashing Dunny - was doing freelance Web work at the time). I feared staying because I would only be doing so because I feared leaving. But most of all, I feared making a decision. And since fear is not from God, I made two decisions: to leave teaching and to tell Andrew I was ready to start trying to have a baby. While I still hurt from losing Orison, doing so had led me to realize that I was wired for motherhood. And that was that.
Well, a year and a quarter and a baby later, I still find myself afraid. And the surpsing thing - at least to me - is that losing Gabriel is not my biggest fear. My biggest fear is asking God to draw me nearer - as the old hymn goes - and experiencing more pain as a result of being drawn nearer. In my head, such a fear is absurd and surely has everything to do with yours truly being the drama queen to end all drama queens. And yet, it is so. I'm really quite stuck, faithful readers. What is as Momtastic Q to do? How does one let go of such a fear?
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